Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

I was one of several people who started the first major local poly group in Atlanta, Poly Southeast. I started the web site, another guy ran the main mailing list, I got a PSE personals list going, etc. Altogether there were fewer than ten people to whom we loosely referred as “the Polysoutheast Council.” After maybe 15-20 years, the current group, Atlanta Polyamory grew out of what we had started.

Over time, we saw lots and lots of people come and go. And there was one type of person (or couple or other unit) who some of us came to refer to as “seeking the unicorn.” The introductory post usually read something like this: “Happily married couple seeks bi female to join our family, 20-30 years old, height/weight proportional.” Frequently, these people wanted someone who wanted to help raise their kids, but didn’t have/want any of her own. I still see the same unicorn seekers today in poly fora everywhere.

Guess what? Just knowing that a couple is specifically looking for a bi female to be with them sexually is enough to send most single bisexual females running. You know why? Because there are too damned many people out there wanting a ménage á trois fantasy that would be better fulfilled by hiring a hooker. They just want some bi female, any bi female—they aren’t interested in a particular woman because of who she is. They want a female to have sex with together. That’s it. Bi female as sex toy, there ya go.

This is not a flattering thought, just in case anyone was wondering. While I imagine there might be someone who would be happy to simply be used to kickstart someone’s sex life, it isn’t what anyone I have ever known is seeking in a relationship. And polyamory is about relationships—not sex.

What I find even more offensive is when a guy is looking for a bisexual woman to have sex with his wife, and it sounds like his wife probably isn’t even involved with this process. I have, in fact, seen someone who was certain that his wife would really like having sex with another woman, even though she didn’t want to do so, and wanted another woman to come in to fulfill his fantasy of seeing her with another female! You know, I have never once encountered a woman seeking a man to introduce her husband to the joys of man-on-man sex. Now I wonder why that is? It couldn’t be the abundance of girl-girl depictions in pornography, could it?

If you actually want to find someone with whom to have a relationship, stop focusing on the “bi female” part. Think about the kind of person who would be compatible with you and your lifestyle. What do you enjoy? What do you believe? What do you want to share with this person? Give up the assumption that you’ll find one person who will fit with both members of a couple. It might happen, it might not. If you’re truly looking for a serious relationship, falling for both of you really shouldn’t be a requirement. If a straight man and a bisexual or bicurious woman are looking for other partners for polyamorous relationships, presumably both heterosexual, bisexual and lesbian women as well as heterosexual and bisexual men would be reasonable candidates, now wouldn’t they?

If you’re looking for a real live sex toy or an interchangeable, faceless partner, rent one by the hour. Or you might try checking out swingers groups instead of poly groups, if sex is your primary goal. Unicorns are rare, and honestly, most of those you find in polyamorous groups are not interested in what you’re offering.

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