Are You Looking for a Unicorn?

I was one of sev­eral peo­ple who started the first major local poly group in Atlanta, Poly South­east. I started the web site, another guy ran the main mail­ing list, I got a PSE per­son­als list going, etc. Alto­gether there were fewer than ten peo­ple to whom we loosely referred as “the Polysouth­east Coun­cil.” After maybe 15–20 years, the cur­rent group, Atlanta Polyamory grew out of what we had started.

Over time, we saw lots and lots of peo­ple come and go. And there was one type of per­son (or cou­ple or other unit) who some of us came to refer to as “seek­ing the uni­corn.” The intro­duc­tory post usu­ally read some­thing like this: “Hap­pily mar­ried cou­ple seeks bi female to join our fam­ily, 20–30 years old, height/weight pro­por­tional.” Fre­quently, these peo­ple wanted some­one who wanted to help raise their kids, but didn’t have/want any of her own. I still see the same uni­corn seek­ers today in poly fora everywhere.

Guess what? Just know­ing that a cou­ple is specif­i­cally look­ing for a bi female to be with them sex­u­ally is enough to send most sin­gle bisex­ual females run­ning. You know why? Because there are too damned many peo­ple out there want­ing a ménage á trois fan­tasy that would be bet­ter ful­filled by hir­ing a hooker. They just want some bi female, any bi female—they aren’t inter­ested in a par­tic­u­lar woman because of who she is. They want a female to have sex with together. That’s it. Bi female as sex toy, there ya go.

This is not a flat­ter­ing thought, just in case any­one was won­der­ing. While I imag­ine there might be some­one who would be happy to sim­ply be used to kick­start someone’s sex life, it isn’t what any­one I have ever known is seek­ing in a rela­tion­ship. And polyamory is about relationships—not sex.

What I find even more offen­sive is when a guy is look­ing for a bisex­ual woman to have sex with his wife, and it sounds like his wife prob­a­bly isn’t even involved with this process. I have, in fact, seen some­one who was cer­tain that his wife would really like hav­ing sex with another woman, even though she didn’t want to do so, and wanted another woman to come in to ful­fill his fan­tasy of see­ing her with another female! You know, I have never once encoun­tered a woman seek­ing a man to intro­duce her hus­band to the joys of man-on-man sex. Now I won­der why that is? It couldn’t be the abun­dance of girl-girl depic­tions in pornog­ra­phy, could it?

If you actu­ally want to find some­one with whom to have a rela­tion­ship, stop focus­ing on the “bi female” part. Think about the kind of per­son who would be com­pat­i­ble with you and your lifestyle. What do you enjoy? What do you believe? What do you want to share with this per­son? Give up the assump­tion that you’ll find one per­son who will fit with both mem­bers of a cou­ple. It might hap­pen, it might not. If you’re truly look­ing for a seri­ous rela­tion­ship, falling for both of you really shouldn’t be a require­ment. If a straight man and a bisex­ual or bicu­ri­ous woman are look­ing for other part­ners for polyamorous rela­tion­ships, pre­sum­ably both het­ero­sex­ual, bisex­ual and les­bian women as well as het­ero­sex­ual and bisex­ual men would be rea­son­able can­di­dates, now wouldn’t they?

If you’re look­ing for a real live sex toy or an inter­change­able, face­less part­ner, rent one by the hour. Or you might try check­ing out swingers groups instead of poly groups, if sex is your pri­mary goal. Uni­corns are rare, and hon­estly, most of those you find in polyamorous groups are not inter­ested in what you’re offering.

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