Coming Clean: Transitioning From Cheating to a Polyamorous Relationship

Note 1: I use male pronouns in the following article for the sake of simplicity, but I’ve encountered both men and women in this situation. My advice is the same to both.

Note 2: This article can be useful for those who are the victims of infidelity, but I wrote another article particularly for them as well.

Frequently, newcomers to various poly groups introduce themselves with a tale of woe. Alas, after entering into a committed monogamous relationship (usually a marriage), the poor man has just discovered that he is, in fact, polyamorous. In most cases, the newcomer has already strayed into infidelity, and wishes to have his cake and eat it too now. He asks for advice regarding how he can convince his wife to accept the relationship with the new lover so that they can all live happily ever after.

The newcomer, who I’ll call Phil, is usually surprised to find that he is not, in fact, welcomed with open arms. Most of us are very hostile to people who cheat on their partners and call it polyamory, because that has absolutely nothing to do with how we are living our lives.

Phil is frequently seeking advice on how to introduce the topic of polyamory to his spouse. I figure it’s better to be honest at some point instead of never doing so, so here is my advice to Phil.

My Experience

I feel a need to be utterly honest about several things right up front: in over 30 years of being polyamorous and knowing other poly people, I have never, not even once, personally known anyone who has been able to move from an affair in a monogamous relationship to a healthy polyamorous relationship involving the same people. I’ve known of people who did cheat on their partners in monogamous relationships who later moved on to be polyamorous, but they did not salvage the original monogamous relationship.

I’ve known people whose spouses cheated on them in monogamous relationships who ended the monogamous relationship, then went on to explore polyamory very happily themselves. (That fact surprises a fair number of those seeking help in this situation.) What you have to realize is that the real issue between you and your spouse right now is not polyamory or sex. It is your betrayal of the agreements between the two of you. It is about your dishonesty and dishonorable behavior. You have broken her trust.

What to Do Now

Now that you’re coming clean, you’d better do so completely. I mean 100% truth, absolutely, no holds barred, no little omissions or “spinning” anything. Tell the raw truth about who, where, when, what happened, how long, etc. Don’t even think about leaving out past indiscretions. Don’t fool yourself that she doesn’t need to know all of that or that you’re “protecting her.” We’re talking about radical honesty in its truest sense. If you haven’t yet read Brad Blanton’s book on the subject you should do so immediately. Take it to heart. Do the exercises. Devour it, digest it, and make it a part of you.

Second, accept full culpability. Do not even allow yourself to maybe think just a little bit of this is anyone’s fault but your own. You are an adult. No matter what your emotions are, you are in control of your actions. No matter what the relationship with your wife was like, whether she “just (didn’t) understand (you),” you aren’t getting as much sex as you’d like, you just aren’t so attracted to her any more, or you want to explore things that don’t interest her, the transgression is completely your fault. It doesn’t matter how much effort your sweetie put into seducing or attracting you. Unless you were actually raped, you chose to cheat. It’s All Your Fault. Accept it, know it, proclaim it.

Your next step is to decide what you truly want. Do you want to be with your wife? Do you want to be with your wife only if she agrees to you remaining with your sweetie? Be sure to think about all the ramifications this is going to have. What effects will a divorce, opening your marriage to polyamorous relationships, or you breaking up with your sweetie and remaining in a monogamous marriage (truly, without straying again) have on your children, your extended family, your friends, your career, yourself? Are you honestly willing to do the very hard work over an extended period of time that it’ll take to just have a good marriage, let alone to have healthy polyamorous relationships?


If you’ve decided that you truly want to stay with your wife and have your sweetie too, and you’re willing to do the work, it’s time to talk to your wife.

Note: DO NOT confide in anyone other than a professional therapist until after you have come clean to your partner. No matter how tempting it is and how much you want someone else’s advice, having another friend or family member know about your infidelities before she does will be another kind of betrayal. If she hears so much as a whisper about your affairs from anybody but you, she will be humiliated and you will be in even deeper trouble. No, you don’t owe any other lovers a warning that you are coming clean to your primary partner.

Admit all that culpability. Engage in full disclosure, radical honesty-style. You might, in fact, want to consider doing this with a very good marriage counselor present. I strongly advise it. Ask your wife to let you talk until you’re finish, and tell her everything. When you’re done talking, it’s her turn to talk until she’s finished. Let her say anything she wants to say, ask questions, etc. Answer any questions she has fully and honestly. I’d suggest having some kind of printed materials on hand about polyamory. Ask that she read them and consider the idea. You most certainly cannot present yourself as any kind of authority or as an unbiased source, now can you? You may need to confess in one session, and then talk about polyamory in another.

Be Prepared

She may want some space at this point, because she’ll need processing time. That’s normal. In fact, she may not want you in the home you share together. Be ready to stay elsewhere if she doesn’t want you anywhere near her. If you arrived in one vehicle for a counseling session, consider ahead of time how you will get home or to your alternate destination. If you can have an overnight bag ready without alarming her, do that.

Prepare yourself to accept her anger and resentment, to acknowledge her right to those feelings, and to support her in expressing them in a healthy way. Don’t assume that she’ll forgive you, or that she’ll be willing to do anything to work on salvaging your relationship. She might, in fact, walk out to call a divorce lawyer. She’s certainly within her rights to do so.

The Wife’s Reaction

Your wife has several decisions to make now. The first is to determine whether or not she can trust you at all now. Is she able to forgive the harm you’ve done, and is your marriage even worth the work it’s going to take to salvage it? If she confides in them, it is highly likely that her friends and family will be telling her to dump you, or at the very least to not even consider opening your relationship in any way. Expect a lot of negativity from them towards you, and accept that you deserve it.

One caution: many people, when faced with the knowledge that their spouse has been unfaithful, will have a “revenge affair” of their own. It’s never healthy, but it is common.

Next, if she has decided that she can trust you or that the trust between you can rebuilt, what does she think of polyamory? She’s likely to have a pretty negative view of it if her first introduction to it is from a philanderer. Many people assume that polyamory is just a way of prettifying swinging or infidelity anyway, which is one reason those of us who are polyamorous are so offended by cheaters who want to claim that they’re really polyamorous.

If your wife decides to forgive you, there’s something you need to keep in mind: “forgiveness” does not mean, “I’m forgetting what happened and everything is like it used to be.” Expect periodic recurrences of any initial explosions of anger, shame, grief, and pain.

Is Polyamory Is Possible?

If she’s willing to try polyamory (or a mono-poly relationship), is she willing to try it with you? Polyamorous relationships require even more trust, respect, work and healthy communication from those involved in them than monogamous relationships do. Part of that is because they are not our cultural norm, and part of it is because every person added to a relationship or network of relationships increases its complexity and potential for problems. You have already demonstrated a great lack of respect for her, your commitments, and yourself. You have broken the lines of communication between you. You are not looking like a great candidate for healthy polyamory right now.

If you get past those hurdles you have another big one. If she’s willing to try polyamory with you, is she willing to agree to your involvement with your sweetie, who has already shown a total disregard for her relationship with you? Remember, she probably has no prior history or love for your sweetie, so there’s absolutely nothing to ameliorate the stark betrayal she has experienced at the hands of your lover. Yes, your lover has betrayed her if she had any idea that you were in a monogamous relationship. Your lover has proven herself to be a dishonorable person every bit as much as you have.

Return to Monogamy?

You don’t get to unilaterally change the rules of your relationship with your wife. If you decide that you must remain involved with your other lover, and your wife wants a monogamous relationship, then you’re looking at a situation that does not contain any possibility for compromise.

If your wife says that she is willing to stay with you in a monogamous marriage and you’re willing to do that, that’s her choice. It is her right to make that choice without being badgered by you. If you agree to it, do not do so with any kind of ulterior motive or long-term agenda of changing her mind. Break things off with your lover forever. It is safest to avoid any contact with the lover at all.

If you can’t agree to the monogamous marriage your wife wants, the marriage is over. You should both proceed to working out the most amicable and least damaging way to move forward.

Giving Polyamory a Chance

If both of you decide that you want to be together and are willing to try polyamory, then both of you really need to practice radical honesty as you proceed. Investigate the different ways that other people live polyamory. Meet polyamorous people and get to know them. Don’t even consider looking for more lovers right now. Talk to people who are willing to open up and tell you about how they work out issues like jealousy, resources, child care, safer sex, etc. Meet people face to face, not just online. A thorough search should find a polyamorous networking or support group in your area, or at least in the nearest major metropolitan area. You want to get to know people well enough to truly see how they live, not just the faces they choose to present online. Be honest with them about your situation.

Be extremely honest with each other about what you do and do not like, and what you want to try. If something doesn’t work for both of you, be willing to give it up and move on to something else. There’s no One True Way to live polyamory other than being honest, open and loving with all the people with whom you are involved.

Keep trying. Remember that this is a completely new relationship paradigm for both of you, and that you probably haven’t grown up with any role models for it. That’s actually good, but it can cause you to feel lost in the woods.

Realize that while you are looking at what you want and don’t want in your relationships, you’re likely to find yourself questioning a lot of things you may have taken for granted in your life. Everything from how you will live to just what sex means to you and to what constitutes a relationship is up for redefinition now. Some people find that their religious beliefs are not supportive of polyamory, and end up seeking a new spiritual path.

Go very, very slowly. Do not rush. Your relationship is worth the investment of time, care and energy it will take to heal your relationship with your spouse and explore new options. Be patient with yourself, your partner(s), and your relationships. Go as slow as is comfortable for the most conservative, slowest person involved.

Get Help!

Again, a good marriage counselor can be a godsend in this process. Someone who is accepting and supportive of both polyamory and monogamy is best. It isn’t always easy to find poly-friendly counselors, but I have found that good therapists are often more open to considering polyamory as a workable relationship model than you may think. The Open List is a good place to start looking.

If you’re introducing the idea of polyamory to a counselor with whom you already have an established relationship, print out copies of What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory and Working With Polyamorous Clients in the Clinical Setting to give to the therapist. If you’re seeking a new therapist, ask her on the phone about her past experiences, if any, with polyamory. Ask that she read those articles before your first appointment if she is willing to work with a polyamorous person or couple in a supportive way. If so, drop off, mail, or fax the articles immediately to give her time to read them.

Good luck!

38 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Emanuele
    Jul 07, 2014 @ 10:29:30

    This moralism without any sense of pity for human weaknesses breaks my heart in two, really. It seems like the agreement (in this case fidelity) is more important than the person. Yes, some feelings were hurt. But if there is love, if the cheater still loves the cheated and at the same time loves his or her lover why in the world there must such a violent attitude towards him or her? Is polyamory love without limits or not? You dare to call a confused and scared person (the cheater) “dishon­or­able”. Why make this a question of honor? Why condemn people for the sake of an abstract concept? I feel the protestant, violent white american attitude here, but perhaps I’m wrong, and I just came from a stupid Mediterranean culture and don’t understand this


    • Hank
      Jul 10, 2014 @ 14:39:20

      Fidelity as a concept is not more important than people, but when two people agree to a monogamous relationship, fidelity is one of the most important elements of that agreement. Poly love by its nature and definition IS relatively limitless, I think, but when one half of a monogamous couple unilaterally changes the rules of their agreement (particularly without telling the other one involved) it is a violation of a basic tenet of poly life–honesty for ALL concerned. You mention the cheater still loving the cheated–consider instead the cheated’s place in the situation and you may understand the idea of dishonor a little better. It is a violation of an intimate trust that may never be reclaimed.


    • Al
      Jun 19, 2016 @ 06:43:59

      I agree with your comments, Emanuele. Yes, those of us who cheated did break a trust. But we broke in a similar way that gay people used to marry and have children in order to try to deny they were gay. We did what we thought society thought we should do and many of us resisted the urge to ‘cheat’ and didn’t understand what we really are. Sometimes finding out who you are involves hurting others but not on purpose. The fact is that lovers have no right to expect anything of us other than our love, respect, honesty. Okay, so we broke the honesty part. But, it’s not like we didn’t think we could live as they expected us to live when we made our promises. At times, during our journey, many of us also thought we could stop, that being poly is just a matter of suppressing one’s will-power or not. It doesn’t work that way and it would be nice if the article were a little more forgiving towards people searching to figure out their lives rather than just throwing fuel on the fire of misery.


      • Cyn
        Jun 19, 2016 @ 12:19:50

        Yes, lovers have a right to expect honesty, love, and respect. You act in an unloving, disrespectful, and dishonest manner when you cheat. When you cannot keep your commitments, it is up to you to say that, before you break them – you renegotiate.

        This article is specifically about transitioning a particular relationship from cheating to polyamory, and not intended as anything else.


        • Al
          Jun 20, 2016 @ 12:15:07

          Cyn, I don’t disagree with you. But, people who come to your site who have found themselves cheating may have gone through all sorts of introspection before they got here. Many of us didn’t know what we are. Many of us thought we could stop, we were not hurting anyone, we justified and we avoided dealing with ourselves. So, yes, I agree that cheating is bad and your partner has every right to know what you are and what you plan to do in the relationship. But, it’s also a lot more than you make it out to be and many cheaters are suffering even as they are inflicting their harm on others. I don’t disagree with what you say. I do, however, think what you’re saying is unnecessary and many cheaters have already gone through facing themselves.

          Perhaps your article could be a little more forgiving, or at least understanding, though. It seems to me adequate to say, ‘We don’t condone cheating and cheating is not a polyamory choice. If you’re a cheater and have figured out that you are poly, then great. Don’t cheat anymore. Also don’t expect to be forgiven for your cheating, but I wish you luck in that regard and am sorry you felt you had to turn to cheating in order to gain your own personal fulfillment. So long as you’re adamant that you will not cheat any longer, then follow these steps to (try) to explain to your significant other what poly is, what it entails and what s/he should think about in considering your innate sexual being if you really are poly. But keep in mind that if you’re secretly just wanting to cheat and justify it, none of this will work and you’ll just hurt more people. So think through what you really are before you go talking and don’t cheat ever again.’

          It seems, instead, that the tone in your article is one of condemnation of people who are very likely struggling. People do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons and bashing them here is not going to help them or their partners who are suffering at their hands.


  2. Emanuele
    Jul 07, 2014 @ 10:32:15

    hope you will justify somehow this post, really. I just need to understand, and sorry for the perhaps too passionate comment, it is not meant to be offensive


  3. Cyn
    Jul 12, 2014 @ 17:09:21

    I don’t know how you get violence from honesty, Emanuele. The fact is that the cheater chose to act in an unloving manner by breaking the trust in his relationship with his monogamous partner. Acts have consequences, and unloving acts frequently have unlovely consequences. Had he chosen to act WITH love and comport himself honestly and honorably, much hurt could have been avoided. There would still be no guarantees, but without broken trust, it would at least be more likely that his monogamous partner would be willing to go forward and try polyamory with him.


  4. FMF
    Feb 13, 2016 @ 02:15:49

    After reading more than half of this I’m kind of wondering why a good book on poly refered me here. This is just intended to Piss all over people that had reason to cheat. To make sure no one thinks they are like them. Yet they are no more qualified to say why the person cheated then the person themselves. Talk about a useless read,I’m sure cheaters have no problem finding people to Piss all over them. This is far from helpful. Poly comes in so many shapes and sizes yet there is people wanting to kick people out of their little club where they have nothing to turn to but be called dishonored nothing and don’t exist so thus just a freak. When you have poly as MFM,MTM fmf mff mmmf ffm fffff. Seriously the list goes on and on. Now you have the cheater and his transition is not even a qualifier, gosh. This read is paranoid and self righteous by those not qualified to say anything except to Pisson something they know nothing about. Really advise like “come clean and let the chips fall, your a cheater and deserve to be pissed on so accept what you are,go out and crush your partners hearts because you are a pig anyway” obviously not a quote but a loose translation. That is the cheapest advice and worth less then you paid for it right here


    • Cyn
      Mar 06, 2016 @ 14:21:58

      FMF, there is no reason to cheat. Full stop. If you think you’ve found one, go ahead and share it – but I’m reasonably certain that it’s going to be something that I and most others have heard before. If you cannot abide by the commitments you’ve made, the only honorable thing to do is to end your relationship. One person cannot declare a transition to a polyamorous relationship. That’s a unilateral decision, and it takes at least two people to be in relationship.

      My intention in writing this article was not to “piss all over” anyone, but if you feel pissed on, I’m not going to invalidate your feelings.


      • Al
        Sep 22, 2016 @ 20:42:51

        Cyn, I don’t think anyone can disagree with you regarding reasons to cheat (well, I’m sure a few can, but I don’t). It’s not okay to cheat and cheating is simply another word for lying. You shouldn’t lie. That said, people do for all sorts of reasons and while your article may be defensible, it’s too harsh and critical and fails to recall that people are people. We all fail. Failure should not mean the end of life. In a perfect world, everyone would open up and say what they want and need and there’d be no such thing as cheating. That said, many people find it impossible to broach this subject for a myriad of reasons and wind up cheating. It’s a shame that they do (I did once too but won’t ever again). However, cheaters deserve help as well as the cheated deserve it and your article (IMO) is far from helpful.


  5. Emanuele
    Mar 07, 2016 @ 12:10:42

    “I’m not going to invalidate your feelings.” How in the world is ever possible to “invalidate” someone’s feelings?
    By the way, I parsed the post and comments, also mine, and I really have the feeling that I ended up in some sort of scientology people. Hank that goes on saying that “when two people agree to a monogamous relationship, fidelity is one of the most important elements of that agreement”, which begs the question, as well as Cyn, insisting smartly that ” there is no reason to cheat”.
    I was asking to give us, please, reasons, something like arguments, but it seems that just love can be without limits, minds, oh my, they seem surrounded by Donald Trump’s Mexican Wall


  6. keith
    Mar 15, 2016 @ 15:46:27

    As helpful as this article was, anyone know where to find coping info for a mono-man who was cheated on by his poly partner?


    • Cyn
      Mar 15, 2016 @ 16:49:00

      Hi there Keith. I don’t immediately know of such an article, but would be happy to answer any questions you might have. I’ve been cheated on in a poly relationship before, and honestly, I think the coping info is going to be the same for anyone dealing with a partner’s infidelity. I’ve got an article in mind, now that I think about it. Give me a day or so, okay? But go ahead and ask any questions you have, please. Feel free to use the Contact form to send them privately if that’s preferable.


    • Cyn
      Apr 12, 2016 @ 19:30:10

      Hi Keith. I wrote that article. It’s at .


  7. Al
    Jun 19, 2016 @ 06:56:03

    Cyn is wrong in many ways. If you really did cheat because you’re poly (and I think for me the distinction came clear when I found that I didn’t just cheat and therefore have some sort of addiction but was also finding myself falling for my lover(s)), you can apologize for not knowing who you were, for not being able to meet the commitments that your partner thought you had with them, for lying and being dishonest. But you have no reason to apologize for being poly and you should be allowed into the club like any other person who finally figures out their sexuality. Cyn, the author, does not hold the keys to the club and the judgmental attitude Cyn displays is anathema to progress at any level. Cyn should re-think this article. Cyn is not judge, jury nor executioner and you should feel free to dismiss the advice of anyone who is so preachy that they think can possibly understand the plight of everyone who is not themselves.


    • Cyn
      Jun 19, 2016 @ 11:50:10

      If you discover that you’re poly when you’re in a monogamous relation, the ethical, honorable thing to do is to let your partner know about this change. THEN you proceed to negotiate any changes in your agreements – you don’t go out screwing around. Don’t try to make excuses about “the commitments that your partner thought you had with them” – if you were in a monogamous relationship, you had a commitment to be exclusive to each other. Deciding that you are poly doesn’t excuse cheating, lying, or dishonesty. One doesn’t simply fall into these things – you make a conscious decision to commit those acts.


      • Al
        Jun 19, 2016 @ 12:05:58

        Yes. It’s great to live in your perfect world where gay people don’t marry to cover over their homosexuality and poly people don’t marry and try to overcome what is natural to them by trying to comply with society. It’s great the world you live in where everyone is pure and innocent and never does anything wrong and if they do, they should therefore forever wear the badge of dirtbag. No one said that “cheating” excuses any behavior. What I said is that you’re way too judgmental and you should get off your high-horse. People are people and they get to where they get all sorts of ways. For a person who has a liberal mindset, you sure don’t have a very forgiving one. Give people a break. Everyone can’t be so awesome and pristine as you.


        • Cyn
          Jun 19, 2016 @ 13:03:06

          Nobody said you had to do that – I said that you have to come clean, expect consequences, and deal with them. Don’t blame your partner for being angry and feeling betrayed. If you value your relationship, that’s what you’ll do.

          Obviously, my world is NOT one where everyone is “pure and innocent and never does anything wrong” or there wouldn’t be a need for this article at all.


  8. Emanuele
    Jun 20, 2016 @ 05:32:18

    There is another point. I do think that being polyamorous means believing that sexual and love-related fidelity are a sort of a mirage. Many arguments given by polyamorists start with statistics: it very very difficult not to end up with some cheating. This means that the promise of being faithful is unrealistic. Is really cheating breaking a promise that almost nobody can hold? Is cheating if I a promise my friend that I will win next presidential elections?


    • Cyn
      Jun 20, 2016 @ 11:04:38

      What? No, polyamory is ” the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved” – that has nothing to do with believing that sexual and love-related fidelity are “sort of a mirage.” That kind of belief just sets you up for unethical behavior.


  9. frank
    Jun 25, 2016 @ 15:57:38

    I am 40 and wife is 30. However she has fallen in love with a 20 you old who she also clicked with while home visiting her family who says he is also in love with her . We are in process of negotiations as I am more aware of the idea of poly relationship. She is in process of full disclosure.
    As a lot people stated broken trust hurts just as much as physical pain


    • Cyn
      Jun 29, 2016 @ 11:43:55

      Hello Frank. I’m so sorry to hear of the pain you’re going through. I wish you well in the process.


      • Frank
        Jul 03, 2016 @ 04:11:29

        How soon after initial conception did women start getting morning sickness. The timing is correct for her to have gotten pregnant with his child. Even though she was trying to transition to a poly relationship I think that might turn out to be the deal breaker. As it is her family consider me a son which in their tradition is very significant as most marry into the family but they don’t get let into any family discussions and whatnot


        • Cyn
          Jul 03, 2016 @ 10:48:08

          That depends on the woman – I’m really sensitive to hormones, so I started getting sick within a week, which is why I went to the doctor and found out that I was pregnant. That’s pretty unusual, though (surprised my doctor, too).

          If you suspect a pregnancy, ask her if she had unprotected sex with him – that would open up other concerns, as well. If you’ve had sex with her since, you would need to get tested right away for STDs and again in 6 months or so.


  10. xzimppledink
    Jun 27, 2016 @ 21:27:45

    My menage broke up after just one year but it was real. It has been forty years but not a day goes by that I do not think of the lady that left. Still with wife of 64 years and still love her dearly.


    • Cyn
      Jun 29, 2016 @ 11:44:42

      Hi there. I don’t really understand how your story is relevant, unless your triad developed after initial cheating?


  11. Jessica
    Sep 21, 2016 @ 02:54:01

    After years of dealing with other women interfering in my marriage, I found my husband cheating on me with a girl who claims to be a polyamorous pansexual. Fights were had. Things were broken. This girl played the victim even though she knew the truth. Her friends started attacking me online. There were even threats against me. He has embarrassed me to the point of isolation. I don’t go out anymore. People get confused when they see me with him. We recently came to the conclusion that he might be polyamorous. We’re living apart now. He blames everything on me. I want to try to salvage my marriage somehow, but I think it just may be over. His manipulative homewrecking whore was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It may never walk again, and just might be put out of its misery. And it absolutely kills me. I am mentally and physically disabled. He was somebody I could depend on for help. But he’s pushed me away, and devoted himself to other people. And he keeps flip flopping on whether we have a future or not. He knows I have trouble controlling my emotions and reactions, yet he keeps playing these games with me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He might be poly, he might be a bastard, or he just might be both. If I could work more than five hours a week, I’d already be filling out the divorce papers. I don’t care about the poly part; it’s the lies and games that have me crying myself to sleep in my old bedroom at my parents’ house.

    Sorry about the droning on. This just seemed like a good place, with people who have been through what I’m going through right now.


    • Cyn
      Sep 21, 2016 @ 03:15:55

      Jessica, I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a terrible experience. Whatever your husband and this woman had (have?) going on, it isn’t polyamory, which is ethical non-monogamy. Polyamory requires the informed consent of all involved parties.

      I would urge you to remember that no “homewrecking whore” can do a thing without the active participation of a man who is eager to stray. Don’t let your husband get away with blaming his girlfriend for whatever has happened. He’s an adult. He made commitments to you, she did not – and he is responsible for upholding those commitments or being honest about ending the marriage.

      I wish you all the best.


  12. Monica
    May 16, 2017 @ 22:01:33

    So i am on the other side of this…im the wife who’s been cheated on, weve discussed poly relationships but hadnt ventured into actually doing it…i as the wife, how the hell do i figure out all these emotions…how do i get over the broken trust…


    • Cyn
      May 17, 2017 @ 13:21:05

      Hello, Monica. I’ll be honest – you might not be able to “get over” the broken trust with this partner. It might be broken irreparably. Your partner has been an irresponsible ass, and it’s understandable that you have a lot of difficult emotions.

      I would strongly advise that you do everything in the world to take care of you right now – seek out a great therapist just for you, lean heavily on your friends and family as a support system, and demand time from him for your healing.

      You don’t have the right to tell your partner they cannot see someone else, but you do have the right to tell they can’t do that and be with you. So you have to decide, now, if what you have with them is worth staying with someone who broke your trust.

      If you do decide to explore polyamory, you should know that it requires trust and open communication. Cheating is absolutely the opposite of that. As someone who is willing to engage in cheating, your current partner is not a good candidate for polyamory.

      I wish you the best of luck in your healing journey.


  13. rich
    Jul 19, 2017 @ 14:42:14

    so can one objectively define cheating for me?


    • Cyn
      Jul 19, 2017 @ 15:47:36

      I could, but the authors of More Than Two already did, so why reinvent the wheel? From their glossary:
      “CHEATING: In a relationship, any activity that violates the rules or agreements of that relationship, whether tacit or explicit.”


  14. rich
    Jul 19, 2017 @ 16:05:32

    so based on the above information, if you have cheated then it is highly unlikely to become polyamorous while keeping the existing relationship intact… so why would one try to convert at all then? you do what you do until caught, go through consequences, build next relationships using these “rules”…

    remember there is another person in this and you certainly not taking into consideration any betrayals from that side as well…

    guy and girl fall in lust, girl intentionally gets pregnant, guy marries to be father and finds out later it was planned… would that be an extenuating circumstance?

    also assuming one used an escort for just the physical act… and did so for the reason of not wanting a “relationship” outside of the marriage is that considered as bad?

    what about sexless marriages? how is that factored into a conversion?


    • Cyn
      Jul 19, 2017 @ 18:21:58

      I don’t know why people try to convert monogamous relationships to poly ones, Rich. It seldom works. But I’m not the one trying it.

      I don’t care how many examples you give of whatever has gone wrong – two wrongs don’t make a right.

      If your spouse deceived you in some way or you don’t find the relationship tenable, leave. Don’t cheat.


  15. rich
    Jul 19, 2017 @ 16:22:28

    just to expound on the sexless marriage example
    – guy / girl get married…
    – girl determines that she doesn’t want another kid and even though she is baptist figures that sex is only for children… of course, she said nothing before marriage (which actually is a grounds for divorce in itself)
    – guy / girl have fight and where he states that at some point he will find a venue..
    – guy / girl get along well otherwise and they have a son together due to premarital relations…

    if guy goes to excort, is he cheating? (He did tell her that it was only a matter of time…)


  16. rich
    Jul 20, 2017 @ 11:01:06

    of course you don’t, because of your narrow tunnelvision with “all the answers” please… its a bunch of hype and hooey… and your response is, of course, simplistic…


  17. Rick
    Jul 21, 2017 @ 15:42:23

    rich extenuating circumstances don’t fit into ANY scientific, religious, social examples. There can always be BS thrown into any example. Religions state we should love one another and forgive…BUT let’s say that a man kills your entire family and you forgive him but in the act of meeting and forgiving him you drop a letter on the ground that has your return address on it. The murderer takes the address and gives it to many evil people and these people kill your relatives, friends and neighbors. Since this religion says to forgive does it count if this person has a lot of bad people trying to exterminate your relatives? Should we forgive Hitler? Well since these aren’t family members then we should forgive Hitler! Giving extenuating circumstances is merely trolling for the sake of trolling. In giving out medications the doses are different for everyone because of differences in humans. sometimes it’s physical differences other times it’s a mixture of things. Not all issues can be boiled down into one four word sentence. Common sense and logic HAVE to be included when trying to debate. Come back to me when you decide to bring up valid points.


  18. Cyn
    Jul 21, 2017 @ 16:11:06

    Your “extenuating circumstances” are excuses. Common sense and logic HAVE to be included when trying to debate. Come back to me when you decide to bring up valid points instead of trolling.


Leave a Reply